Red vs. Blue Episode #9

After Church

[Simmons and Grif run back to the base where Donut is standing next to the flag. Sarge is nowhere to be seen.]

Donut: What happened?
Grif: [panting heavily] Big… tank… shooting…. whoooooo!
Simmons: Damn man, we only ran like 300 feet, you are really out of shape.
Grif: [still panting] Fuck…you…
Donut: Where’s your car?
Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
Grif: Hey, it would’ve worked if that tank hadn’t shown up.
Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

[Sheila’s cannon fires, and the Warthog goes flying into the red base.]

Grif: What the hell?

[Sheila fires again]

Grif: [yells] SON OF A BITCH!

[Sheila continues to fire at the jeep.]

Donut: Oh crap! What the Hell is that thing?
Grif: That’s the tank!
Donut: Hey, uh Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?
Grif: No! Keep that away from me!

Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?
Caboose: Because it’s locked on!
Tucker: Well, unlock it!
Caboose: The last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!
Tucker: Oh, right. Keep shooting the jeep then.

Donut: I’d hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we’re screwed.
Simmons: Yeah, I have to agree with the Rookie on this one.

[Sarge’s ship appears on the screen]

Sarge: Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in Blood Gulch. Come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant–
Grif: Oh my God, Sarge is that you?
Sarge: Roger that private. I am currently in bound to your position from command.
Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.
Sarge: Hello Simmons, I hope everything has gone alright since I’ve been gone.
Grif: Actually sir, things are kinda hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead. And there’s this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.
Sarge: [increduously] Am I talking to the right base?
Grif: Sarge, we are going to die here.
Sarge: Well then hold tight boys, I think I got a solution to your little tank problem.

[Tucker sees Sarge’s ship approaching and the ship starts dropping bombs as it approaches the tank.]

Tucker: Uh-oh… [he starts to run from the tank] Hey Caboose, you might want to get out of the tank. Like right now.
Caboose: [agitated] I can’t figure out how to get this thing open!
Sheila: Night vision engaged.
Tucker: Rookie, get out now!
Caboose: Okay, open the… Okay, alright, Sheila, will you please open the door?
Sheila: Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle tank…

[Caboose escapes, but Sheila is hit by a shell, blasting her upside down]

Caboose: Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap running running running!! Man… That was close.
Tucker: Look at your tank though.
Sheila: [in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A space Odyssey] I’m scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaiiissssyyyy… Daaaaiisyyyyyy…
Caboose: [screaming] SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who’s Sheila?
Caboose: [devastated] Sheila’s the lady in the tank. She was my friend.
Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank.