Red vs. Blue Episode #8

Don’t ph34r the Reaper

Grif and Simmons are standing in front of Sheila.]

Grif: Why is it just sitting there?
Simmons: Just trying to mess with our head. Let’s get back to the Warthog.
Sheila: This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.
Caboose: [clicks inside the tank, and while he is talking Sheila is explaining the auto fire sequence in the background.] [whispers quickly] auto-fire. auto-fire. Here, here. No, wait, okay that’s more than just pushing a button.
Simmons: Okay, you ready? Let’s do this on three. One…
Grif: Wait. On three? Or three and then go?
Simmons: On three, it’s always faster to go on three.
Grif: Okay, okay, on three.
Caboose: Here! [click]
Sheila: Tutorial deactivated, auto-fire sequence activated.
Simmons: Ready?
Sheila: Acquiring target.

Church: I’m going for the jeep. Cover me.

[Grif is running toward the warthog while Simmons counts.]

Simmons: One…

[Sheila’s main cannon locks on to Grif.]

Sheila: Target acquired.
Grif: [Panting] Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Simmons: Two…
Sheila: Target locked. [beeps]
Church: [panting and running to the Warthog]
Simmons: Three! [turns to see Grif running.] Oh, you back stabbing cockbite.
Sheila: Firing main cannon

[The tank fires its main cannon at the Warthog, Simmons is directly in front of the tank, Grif and Church are running toward the Warthog]

Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Grif: SON OF A BITCH!
Church: Son of a bitch!
Sheila: Firing main cannon. [fires]
Simmons: Shit!

[Sheila is firing her cannon while Simmons is cursing in the background. Sheila moves toward them and keeps firing. Simmons, Grif, Church and Tucker, take cover.]

Tucker: Hey dude, the jeep blew up.
Church: No kidding, thanks for the update, Tucker.

Simmons: Hey, I have a great idea. Let’s get out of the jeep, and sneak around the side of the rock. Great plan you idiot!

Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

[Church steps out from behind the rock he was hiding behind.]

Church: Hey, Tucker, look at this man, it’s the rookie, and he brought the tank out to scare off the reds.
Tucker: What? No way.
Church: [yelling to Caboose] Hey rookie! Good job man! Why didn’t you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
Sheila: [main cannon focuses on Church] New target acquired.
Caboose: That’s not a target. That’s Church!
Church: Yeah that’s right, it’s me, Church! What’s going on man?
Sheila: Target locked.
Caboose: What? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me nice lady!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Caboose: Uh-oh…
Tucker: Uh-oh…
Church: What? Oh… son of a bi-

[Sheila fires and Church goes flying.]

Tucker: Holy fuck! Church are you okay? Talk to me! Church! [to Caboose] You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
Sheila: Auto-fire sequence deactivated.
Church: [gasping] Tucker! Tucker!
Tucker: Church! It’s going to be okay man.
Church: No, I, I-I’m not, I’m not going to make it. Tucker, there’s something I need to tell you.
Tucker: [increduously] What is it?
Church: I just want you to know, I’ve always hated you. I’ve always hated you the most.
Tucker: [angrily] Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die you prick.
Church: Okay. Herrkkk… blaahh.