Red vs. Blue Episode #7

Check out the threads on that tank

Man announcing: Last week on Red vs. Blue.

[Church comes on screen.]

Church: Uhh… hey dude, we didn’t have a video last week. We were at E3. Remember?
Announcer: I mean…week before last.

[re-cap of previous episode]

Caboose: Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun. Stay here? Tank. Stay here? Tank. Ah, screw it. [Runs out of the blue base to the tank]

[Church and Tucker are still ducked behind the rocks to avoid the bullets from the jeep]

Church: My God, doesn’t that thing ever run out of bullets?
Tucker: You know, in hind-sight, we should have brought the tank.
Church: (Obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us, if nobody here knows how to drive it?
Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
Church: Well…yeah…but… man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.

[Meanwhile, Caboose enters the tank’s cockpit, and the engine starts]

Shiela: Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose: (Sounding nervous) Hello, Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Oh, that’d be very nice. Thank you.
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion Class tank. Let’s begin with some driving.
Caboose: Okay.

[Grif is trying to get Simmons’ attention while Simmons is shooting at the blues]

Grif: Simmons! [yells] SIMMONS!

[Simmons hops down from the gunner position]

Grif: Man, that thing is loud!
Simmons: [yelling] What?
Grif: Come on, let’s sneak around the back of the rock and get them out.
Simmons: [still yelling] Okay!
Grif: Keep it down! Jesus! Let’s go, before they figure out what’s going on.

[Caboose, learning how to drive the tank, has got it rammed up against a rock with most of the treads off the ground]
Sheila Now that you have mastered driving the M8O8V, let’s move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose: No. No. Wait. Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

[Church is crouching and looking around the rock at the jeep]

Church: [whispering] Psst. Hey! They stopped firing.
Tucker: [Speaking in a normal voice] Why are you whispering?
Church: [still whispering] Umm…. I don’t know.

[Grif and Simmons are in front of a boulder trying to figure out how to get around it.]

Grif: Ah, crap. I don’t think we’re gonna be able to get around this way.
Simmons: [Simmons turns to Grif as Sheila comes up behind them.] Hey, tell me again…uh… why we got out of the jeep?
Grif: Well, I guess it was this, or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.
Simmons: Well, at least that was fun.

[Grif and Simmons turn to see the tank]

Grif: Ho…ly crap. What in God’s name is that thing?

Church: Tucker, don’t be stupid, they’re just trying to draw us out.
Tucker: No they’re not, look. They left the jeep. They’re gone!
Church: Well… I don’t know about this, it seems pretty fishy, but alright screw it. Let’s go get it.

[The tank’s main cannon is focusing on Simmons and Grif.]

Grif: Dude. Hold still. I don’t think it sees us.

[The tank starts beeping.]

Announcer from the beginning: Coming up on RedvsBlue: You watched them for seven episodes, but next week, the unthinkable: Someone [Grif appears on screen] Will [Grif appears again] Die [again Grif appears].

[Sarge appears.]

Sarge: I sure hope it’s Grif.