Red vs. Blue Episode #6

Giga-Whats

Church: Freeze! [Aims Rifle at Donut]
Donut: Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You coulda’ hit me, dick!
Church: Can it! Don’t try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We’ve been spying on you for three weeks now.
Donut: I just got here two hours ago, and I’m not a Sergeant, I’m a Private!
Church: Wait a minute, you’re not the Sergeant!
Donut: Yeah, that’s what I just said.
Church: Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you’re talking abou-
[Tucker pops out through the teleporter]
Tucker: THREE!
Church: JESUS!
Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy!?
Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?
Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?
Donut: And what’s with that black shit on your armor?
Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut’s head]
Donut: Will you stop calling me a Sergeant, I’m still just a Private!
Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

Grif: Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep. [Gets in driver’s seat of Warthog. When he gets in, annoying ranchero music plays]
Simmons: I’ll take gunner. [Simmons gets in gunner position] Let’s roll.
Simmons: [As they drive away, yells] Don’t worry Lopez, I’ll bring her back in one piece!
Grif: How do you turn off the fuckin’ radio in this car?

Tucker: [Talking to Church] Look, I know you don’t know me, but you have to believe what I’m about to tell you. Some time in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here [Donut] get’s promoted to the Sergeant of the Red Army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I’m all like “There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!”.
Church: Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?
Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant and then one day we get a tank and he comes and steals our flag while we’re distracted!
Donut: Is this guy a retard?

[Annoying mariachi music from the Warthog starts playing quietly and gets louder and louder as Church continues talking]

Church: Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven’t gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he’s just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he’s just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow-FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

[Warthog flies over hill towards Church, Tucker and Donut]

Simmons: Whooo-hoooo!
Church: Holy shit!
Tucker: son of a bitch!
Church: Run! Jesus, run!
Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

[Church and Tucker run for the hill and hide behind a rock and the music stops playing finally when Simmons activates the jeeps turret and fires at the Blues as they run away. As Simmons shoots at the Blues, he mutters insults which can’t be heard because of the turret fire and Grif talking to Donut]

Grif: What the hell is going on here?
Donut: You know what? I honestly have no idea what’s going on here! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.
Grif: How did you get their flag?
Donut: I dunno, I just asked for it!
Grif: Wait, that worked?
Donut: I guess, is it not supposed to?
Grif: I don’t know, we never even thought to try that! Just take the flag back to base, I’ll explain there.
Donut: Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-
Grif: There’s no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I’ll explain everything there!
Donut: Fine! [Donut starts walking towards Blue Base]
Grif: Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!
Donut: I-I know, I just turned around, that’s all! [Donut starts running towards Red Base]

Caboose: Ooh man, that’s not good. Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun! Stay here, tank. Stay here, tank. Ahh, screw it. [Caboose runs towards tank]

Church: Well, we’ll just wait here. That thing’s gotta run out of bullets sometime.