Red vs. Blue Episode #5

The Package is in the Open

Church: Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag.
Caboose: Is that bad?
Church: Bad? Oh no, that’s not bad! Next time he comes over, why don’t you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!
Tucker: There! There he is!
Church: Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him! He’s sneakin’ around back behind the cliffs.
Tucker: *referring to Donut* He must be one smart son-of-a-bitch!
Donut: Aww man, I am so freaking lost! Where the hell is the base?
Church: Oooh shit! Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It’s red.
Tucker: Aw man, that means it’s their Sergeant!
Church: Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got past our defenses.
Caboose: Uh, ya know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
Tucker: Yeah, okay, let’s take him out then.
Church: Roger that. Okay, say good-night Sarge.
[Church fires four shots at Donut, all of which miss]

Donut: Son of a bitch!

Church: Aw crap.
[Tucker stares at Church]
Church: What?
Tucker: You’re really not very good with that thing, are you?

Donut: Hey! It’s me! Don’t shoot! I’m the guy that bought the flag, remember?!
[Donut starts moving back and forth]

Tucker: Oh, great, now he’s taunting us. That’s just embarrassing.
Church: All right, that’s it! I’ve had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we’ll head through the teleporter, we’ll cut him off at the pass.
Caboose: Right!
Church: Tucker, you ready? Let’s go.
Tucker: There is no way I’m going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don’t have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn’t work?
Tucker: I don’t know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter already, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: Yeah? And, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn’t they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered in black stuff.
Church: Oh, so I guess that’s what this is all about, then. You’re afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. [Points rifle at him]
Tucker: You wouldn’t.
Church: You know, I look at it this way. Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
Tucker: For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren’t people.
Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.
Tucker: Craap! Alright, one! Two!
[Tucker runs through the teleporter]
Church: ………
Caboose: ……… Huh, he didn’t come out the other side…
Church: Yeah, I’ve uh, I’ve decided I’m not gonna use the teleporter. Okay, rookie, you stay here. I’ll be back with the flag.

Simmons: I still have no idea what you’re talking about. I didn’t hear any shots.
Grif: I’m telling you! It was four shots, like bam, bam, bam.
Simmons: Wait a second, that’s only three bams.
Grif: Bam. [Grif starts looking through the sniper rifle] Wait a second, we got a blue guy on the move out there.
Simmons: Where’s he headed?
Grif: Oh crap. It-It’s Donut, and he’s got something. It looks like… Simmons, get the Warthog.
Simmons: Heh, you mean the ‘Puma’?
Grif: Yeah, keep makin’ jokes. That’ll win the war.