Red vs. Blue Episode #3

The Rookies

Simmons: Hey, that’s not exactly what happened.
Grif: Yes it is! You said: “I’m not goin’ to the Vegas quadrant!” And the next thing I know, you’re in an escape pod headed to the-
Donut: ‘Scuse me, uh, Sirs.
Grif and Simmons: Sirs!?
Grif: Ah SHIT
Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever in charge?
Grif: Sorry, man. Sarge is at Command getting orders. ‘Ain’t nobody in charge today.
Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he was gone.
Grif: You are such a kiss-ass!
Simmons: Also, he said if I had any trouble from you, I should, (clears throat) “Get in the Warthog, and crush your head like a tomato can”.
Grif: …That’s the worst impression I’ve ever heard!
Simmons: OK, Rookie, what’s your story?
Donut: Private Donut, reporting for duty Sir! I’m ready to fight some aliens!
Grif: Couple o’ things here, Rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what’s with your armor color?
Donut: This IS, the standard issue red.
Grif: Yeah, I know. yhaaa bitch only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you’re not threatening to gut me like a fish, you’re probably not an officer.
Donut: Well, [referring to Simmons] he’s wearing red armor.
Simmons: No, my armor is Maroon. Your armor is red.
Donut: Well how do I get a different colour armor?
Simmons: I bet the Blues don’t have to put up with this kind o’ crap.

[The Blues are admiring their new tank]
Caboose: So I say to the guy, “How you going to get the tank down to the planet?” And he goes, “I’ll just put it on the ship.” And I go, “If you’ve got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?”
Tucker: Hey kid?
Caboose: Yeah?
Tucker: You’re ruining the moment. Shut the hell up.
Caboose: Oh. OK. You got it man!
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Simmons: OK, Private Donut, here’s the deal.
Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!
Simmons: We’ve got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Donut: Absolutely!
Simmons: We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of ‘Elbow grease’.
Grif: Yeah and, uh, pick up some, ‘Headlight fluid’ for the ‘Puma’ too.
Donut: The what?!
Simmons: He means the Warthog.
Grif: You do know where the store is, right Rookie?
Donut: What? A- yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.
Simmons: Well, get going then.

[Donut runs left]

Grif: Other way.
Donut: I knew that. Just, got turned around that’s all.

[Donut runs towards the cliffs]

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there’s no store?
Grif: I’d say, at least 2 times week.

Donut: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I’m gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definately pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Church: Oh man, listen to you. What are you gonna do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you hook up, the better it gets.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Grif: Nah, he’ll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What’s the worst that could happen?

Donut:Finally! There it is! Oh sweet! They sell tanks!

[Donut runs towards Blue Base]