Red vs. Blue Episode #2

Red Gets a Delivery

Sarge: Hurry it up, Ladies. This ain’t no ice-cream social!
Simmons: Ice-cream social?
[Simmons and Grif look at each other]
Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone… want to guess… why I gathered you here… today.
Grif: Uh, is it because the war’s over and you’re shipping us home?
Sarge: That’s exactly it, private. War’s over. We won. Turns out you’re the big hero, and we’re going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float and Simmons here, [agitated] is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I’m no stranger to sarcasm, Sir.
Sarge: God dammit, private, shut your mouth, or else I’ll have Simmons slit your throat while you’re asleep!
Simmons: Oh, I’d do it too.
Sarge: I know you would Simmons… Good man. A couple of things today, ladies: Command, has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One!
Grif: Crap… we’re gettin’ a rookie.
Sarge: That’s right, dead-man! Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we receive the first part of our shipment from Command. (Sarge turns around) Lopez… Bring up the vehicle.
[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]
Simmons: Shotgun.
Grif: Shotgun… Fuck!
Sarge: May I introduce, our new Light-Reconnaissance vehicle. (Rotating around the new jeep) It has 4-inch Armor Plating; Mag… Bumper Suspension; a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the “Warthog”.
Simmons: Why “Warthog,” Sir?
Sarge: Because ‘M12 LRV’ is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but, why “Warthog”? I mean, it doesn’t look like a pig…
Sarge: Say that again?
Grif: I think it looks more like a ‘Puma’.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a ‘Puma’?
Simmons: Uh… You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No! Like a ‘Puma’! It’s a big cat, like a lion.
Sarge: You’re making that up!
Grif: I’m telling you, it’s a real animal!
Sarge: Simmons! I want you to poison Grif’s next meal!
Simmons: Yes, Sir!
Sarge: Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: …A walrus.
Sarge: Didn’t I just tell ya to stop making up animals?!!?

Tucker: What is that thing?
Church: I dunno. It looks like… Uh… It looks like they’ve got some sort of car down there. We’d better get back to base and report it.
Tucker: A car?! How come they get a car?!
Church: What are you complainin’ about, man?! We’re about to get a tank, in the very next drop!
Tucker: (mutters to himself) You can’t pick up chicks in a tank.
Church: Oh, fuh, you could bitch about anything, couldn’t you?! We’re gonna get a tank, and you’re worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man?! And secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
Tucker: What kind of car is it?
Church: Dunno, I’ve never seen a car like that before… Looks like a, uh… Like a big cat of some kind.
Tucker: …
Church: …
Tucker: What, like a Puma?
Church: Yeah, man, there ya go.

Sarge: So, unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest for the name of the new vehicle, we’re gonna stick with, the ‘Warthog”. How about it Grif?
Grif: No Sir, no more suggestions.
Sarge: Are you sure? How ’bout “Bigfoot”?
Grif: It’s OK.
Sarge: “Unicorn”?
Grif: No, really. I’m, I’m cool.
Sarge: “Sasquatch”?
Simmons: “Leprechaun”?
Grif: Hey, he doesn’t need any help man.
Sarge: “Phoenix”?
Grif: Huh….
Sarge: Hey, Simmons, what’s the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: That would be the chupacabra sir!
Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy, how bout that? I like it, it’s got a ring to it…