Red vs. Blue Episode #14

Roomier than it looks

[Tucker and Church stand around the teleporter, Caboose is still at the base, hesitating to go through]
Church: Are you okay Tucker?
Tucker: (Sounds distracted) Yeah I’m fine. [Runs closer to the base] Come on Caboose!
Caboose: Does it hurt?
Tucker: No, not at all!
Caboose: Okay.. here I come!
[Caboose jumps in the teleporter]
Church: Does it hurt for real?
Tucker: Ohhh, yeah. Big time.

[Caboose runs through the teleporter]

Caboose: Owwwww jeez…! [turns to Tucker] You lied to me.

[At the Red Base Sarge is standing on the roof with Lopez while Lopez looks through a sniper rifle. Grif and Simmosn are below.]

Sarge: Ah, dammit. Lopez, come here. Do you see something out there?

[Down Below]

Simmons: There’s no ‘L’ in it. It’s pronounced ‘both’.
Grif: That’s what I’m saying! ‘Bolth’!
Simmons: Both!
Grif: You sound like such an ass the way you say it.
Sarge: Grif! Quit your yammering and get your kiester up here. Need some help. Got more of them special-ops fellas headin’ toward the base.
Grif: As in more than one? Uh… maybe we should ‘bolth’ go sir. [Grif and Simmons come into view where Sarge is looking]
Simmons: Boooooooooooootttthhh!
Grif: Seriously, man. Like, an, ass.
Sarge: Well, well, another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don’t you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system. Have her guard herself.
Simmons: Good point sir!
Sarge: You’re goddamn right it is! Now get your ass up here! We got just enough time to spray paint the bullseye on your back… uh… by bullseye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it cupcake!
Grif: [Sighs] Yeah.. I’ll be right up. [Grif runs off]

[Church is alerting the blue team to Grif’s actions via the radio.]

Church: Hey Tucker, come in man. Ya there? This is Church. It’s working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat. The orange one is coming out of the base.

[Meanwhile with Tucker and Caboose who are crouching behind a boulder]

Tucker: Roger that.
Caboose: Oh oh oh oh Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Is that? Is that Church? [Church is talking in the background with Caboose drowning out his voice] Tell him that I, that I said, for me to say hi!
Tucker: Whoa whoa wait hey, what?. I missed that. Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man! I’m on the radio!
Church: I said, just keep move-
Tucker: (Over Church’s radio) I’m not yelling. I’m just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I’ll tell him you said hi later. No you can’t talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?
Church: [Radio clicks] Oh my God… I can’t believe I actually died for this war.

[Church runs off. Grif is standing on top of the Red Base looking through a sniper rifle. Lopez is standing nearby.]

Grif: I don’t see any… [The ghost of Church can be seen running down the hill toward the side of the base, where Grif isn’t looking. Where Grif zooms in, Caboose runs to stand at the side of the boulder.] Oh wait. There’s one. Why is he just standing there?

Tucker: Caboose! Get behind the rock! They can still see you!
Caboose: They can’t see me; I can’t see them!
Tucker: That’s becasue you’re facing the rock.
Caboose: Oh, right! [Moves behind the rock]
Tucker: Real smooth, dipshit.

Sarge: They’re definitely special-ops. I haven’t seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- Keegaheergerr
[Sarge gets possessed by Church]
Grif: Sir, are you OK?
Church: Uhh…who ya talkin’ to red…me?
Grif: No, I’m talking to Lopez, because, you know, that’s real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what’d I tell you about that?
Church: I..uh..I’m fine! That’s…I’m just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]
Grif: Um…sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?
Church: Uh…yeah. I guess did.
Grif: Permission to speak freely sir?
Church: Go ahead.
Grif: That’s really fucking gross.

Caboose: Hey Tucker?
Tucker: (Irritatedly) What?
Caboose: I’m having a real good time with…you..[’You’ is drowned out by Tucker’s next line]
Tucker: [Sighs] That’s great Caboose.
Caboose: Yeah! It’s like we’re real soldiers!
Tucker: Would you please go hide behind another rock?

[Church runs down to talk to Simmons, who is guarding Tex]

Church: Hey man. [Coughs] What’s up yo?
Simmons: Uh… hey… what’s going on out there, sir?
Church: What the? Uh.. Nothing, why would you ask if something’s wrong?
Simmons: I think that’s a perfectly normal question in a time of war.
Church: Yeah, well, I don’t know. You’re starting to act kind of suspicious there… other red guy, so.. I’m gonna have to keep my eye on you.
Simmons: [Turns and faces the other way] Sarge, I’m starting to think that- [Church punches him in the back of the head] Ow, geez! The back of my head!
Tex: What the Hell are you doing?
Church: Tex, it’s me Church! I’ve come to rescue you.
Tex: You’re kinda short to be Church
Church: What? Oh, yeah, right, the armor. [He leaves Sarge]
Sarge: Heerrrrrrk! What in Sam Hell? Where the? Who spit on my visor?
Church: Tex. There’s not much time to explain, so I’m just gonna give you the sumamry here, okay? I’m a spirit now, and I’m trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so that I could sneak into the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter.
Tex: Okay.
Church: What? That’s it? ‘Okay’? You’re not surprised by any of this?
Tex: No, it pretty much all makes sense
Church: Not even the whole, Church is a ghost thing? That didn’t do anything for you?
Tex: I can see right through you. It’s pretty obvious.
Church: Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we’ll get out of here.
Sarge: [As Church possesses him] Heerrrrrrrk!!

[Caboose prepares a sniper rifle]
Tucker: What are you doing?
Caboose: One of the reds has Tex. I’m going to shoot him…and kill him….and free Tex! Then Church will forgive me for killing him and we will be friends.
Tucker: Oh c’mon. You don’t actually believe any of that, do you?
Caboose: Ohhhh….[Caboose aims the sniper at Sarge’s head] We’re gonna be best friends.

Church: Alright, I’ll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One…two…thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the..where did my body go?! Oh…you’ve gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]
Caboose: Tucker did it!