Red vs. Blue Episode #13

Human peer bonding

Tucker: Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the Hell out of the Reds, wasn’t a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?
Church: In a nutshell… yes. That’s an excellent summary.
Caboose: I should have known! She didn’t like me. Girls. Never. Like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don’t think anybody likes you.
Caboose: (Dejectedly) I like me…
Tucker: I don’t think I’ve seen a girl that mean before, are you sure she’s a chick, and not a guy, or like, part-guy, part-shark?
Church: I’m pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I’d definitely know if she was part shark.
Caboose: Wa-wa-wait. If she was a girl, then why is she named Tex?
Church: Uh. Because she’s from Texas! [Caboose stares at him, confused] Trust me, it makes sense. And you can’t blame her for being so aggressive. It’s not entirely her fault to begin with.
Tucker: Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won’t even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!
Church: Will you shut up with that?! She got recruited into some kind of wierd experimental program back during basic, where they infused her armor with this really aggressive AI. I’m not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than Hell.
Caboose: A…I…. What’s the ‘A’ stand for?
Church: Artificial.
Caboose: What’s the ‘I’-
Church: Intelligence
Caboose: Oohh…. What was the ‘A’ again?
Church: Let’s move on.
Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all, she’s really just a sweet, down-home girl?
Church: Oh, Hell no! She’s always been a rotten bitch, it’s just now she’s a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements!
Tucker: Wow… Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Great catch there buddy. She’s a keeper.
Church: So how’re you doing, Caboose, are you following any of this whatsoever?
Caboose: I think so… Tex is a robot, and you’re his boyfriend, so that makes you… a gay robot.
Church: Yeah…that’s right… I’m a gay robot.

[Back at Red Base where Tex is being held prisoner]

Grif: So, your a girl huh?
Tex:….
Simmons: Just ignore him, that’s what I do.
Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are you?
Tex: Hey punk, I don’t need a weapon to kill you.
Grif: Yeah right, what are you going to do, punch me?

[Tex feints a punch and Grif backs away]

Grif: Ahh! Not the face!

Church: Well don’t worry, because I have a great plan for how we’re going to rescue Tex.
Tucker: A plan? Aww…man… I hate plans. That means we’re going to have to do stuff. Can’t we just have a strategy, or a mission statement?
Church: I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.
Caboose: (nervous/humorless laugh) Distraction? That sounds a lot like decoy.
Church: The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So, all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.
Tucker: Sounds good, but church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor? [Church looks at the teleporter and Tucker follows his gaze] Oh.. fuckberries.