Red vs. Blue Episode #12

Down, but not out

[Off in the distance Grif can be heard]

Grif: Where’d he go? Don’t kill me! I’m too good looking to die!

Caboose: [Watching through a sniper rifle] Man, he’s really kicking their asses.
Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?
Caboose: I’m really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.
Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.
Caboose: Yeah… I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.
Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.
Caboose: You know, you think so? You know, I was going to say something, but uh… but you know, that’s not..

[They resume their initial positions]

Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?

[Caboose looks through the sniper rifle to see Tex enter the Red Base]

Caboose: Yeah.

[Camera shows the flag reappearing in Blue Base]

[A voice announces]: Blue Team, flag returned.
Tucker: [Turns around] What the? Who said that? [The ghost of Church is standing by the flag]
Church: [Clears throught] Umm.. Sorry that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way. [Looks over shoulder]
Caboose: (Excitedly) Hey! It’s Church!
Church: Yeah. It’s me. Hey Caboose.
Caboose: (Still excited) Hey Church! What are you up to?
Church: Caboose, heh heh, I’m not really here to make small talk okay? How’d you guys manage to get your flag back?
Tucker: (Nervous) What, oh, that flag? We’ve always had that!
Church: Tucker, who do you think you’re trying to fool? Wait a second… where’s Tex.
Tucker: I’m not really sure. He said he was going to go to the store. Something about ah.. elbow grease.
Church: Oh, great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?
Caboose: That.. Sidewinder is cold!
Church: (Exasperatedly) Erghh… What was the other one thing I told you?
Tucker: Not to let him get involved?
Church: Right. And what did you do?
Tucker: We… let him get involved.
Church: And not just a little involved, how involved?
Caboose: Very.. very.. involved.

[Meanwhile, at the Red Base, Sarge comes up on an unsuspecting Tex with Lopez on the other side]

Sarge: Freeze. Drop your weapon. [Approaches Tex with his gun pointed at Tex’s face]
Tex: Hey buddy?
Sarge: What.
Tex: You’d really better hope the first one knocks me out.

[Sarge punches him, and Tex groans and blacks out]

[Donut is laying near the hole with Simmons crouching beside him and Grif off to the side]

Grif: Aw man.. what the. My freaking head… Jesus..
Simmons: [Stands up] He’s hurt Grif; he’ll make it, but we need to get him some help. fast.
Grif: Yeah, yeah, hold on a second. What happened here? First Donut’s head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and-
Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint. Something knocked me out.
Grif: Okay, fine, keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.
Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge. We need to get Donut outta here.
Grif: [Starts to run outside but pauses] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I’m fine by the way. Thanks for asking.
Simmons: Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

[Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle at Grif who enters the ground floor of the base]

Caboose: Yep, he’s definitely captured. Or dead. Captured or dead. [gasps] Or captured and dead!
Church: Oh, that’s just perfect!
Tucker: What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he’s captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.
Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.
Caboose: She?

[Back at the Red Base]

Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it “Shit I already know!!” Get on the hull with command! [Looks at Tex] Well look who’s up! Rise and shine buttercup!

[There is whirring and sparking as Tex’s voice filter breaks]

Tex: Oh great. You broke my voice filter, you cock-biting fucktards.
Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick would give me a headache this big!
Tex: (incredulous) What’s the matter? You’ve never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?