Red vs. Blue Episode #11

Knock knock. Who’s there? Pain.

[Grif and Sarge are standing with Lopez. Grif is talking with Sarge, while Lopez works on the overturned jeep. The sound of a ratchet is present.]

Grif: And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind a rock, but uh… well that’s when the tank showed up, and shit just started blowing up… I don’t know.
Sarge: [sighs exasperatedly] Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?
Grif: I-I don’t know, like uh, what, 10, 10, 20? 25 bucks maybe? Uh.. you’re going to kill me know, aren’t you.
Sarge: Tell you what Grif, I’m a fair man. I’ll give you a ten second head start here before [Lopez drops ratchet and stands up beside Sarge] I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.
Grif: Guys, I just want you to know. I’m really really sorry here..
Sarge: Five Mississippi… six Mississippi [Lopez draws his weapon and levels it at Grif]
Grif: Okay, uh.. I guess I’d better get going then [starts to run off]

[Sarge pulls out his weapon; he and Lopez look at each other and start firing at Grif]

Grif: Hey guys that’s not funny. Somebody could get hurt here!

[Tucker is standing with Tex, while Tex fires at a target off screen]

Tucker: That’s basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.
Tex: [Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]
Tucker:…Right. That too.

[Tex throws plasma grenade]

Tucker: Hey, Tex? I don’t what it’s been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

[Caboose is standing in front of a rock full of bullet blasts]

Caboose: I’m scared…

[Tex turns and reloads]

Tucker: So, you’ve got the special forces black armor I see. [Caboose approaches and stands behind them] Were you in the special forces at some point? Yeah, I used to have black armor too. [Tex switches guns] It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex runs off to Red Base] Oh.. okay, you gotta go? I’ll see you later.
Caboose: (Whispering) I don’t think he likes you.
Tucker: (Sarcastically) Thanks.

[Tucker and Caboose run to the edge of the roof]

Tucker: Where are you going?
Tex: [Looks up at them] Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back. [Runs off]
Caboose: Oh, okay! We’ll just stay here and guard the… trans…porter.

Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed. Probably because somebody didn’t believe in it.
Simmons: Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he’s gonna suspend your weapon privileges.
Donut: (Holding the flag) Hey, since I captured the flag, you think they’ll give me my own color armor now?
Simmons: What do you mean ‘captured’? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.
Donut: Still, you think there’s a shot?
Simmons: Maybe they’ll give you Grif’s armor, since he blew up the warthog.
Grif: Yeah, wait. [Nervously looks at Simmons] You don’t, you don’t think they’d do that, do you?

[Lopez is working on the warthog with Sarge supervising]

Sarge: Try connecting that hose to that metal thingy there. [Lopez stands up] I think that’s what’s making that rattle. [Lopez turns to face Sarge] (Nervously) I… think I’ll let you do it. [Lopez resumes working as a camouflaged Tex goes across the screen] What the? What was that?

Grif: Simmons, what’s going on? What’s over there?
Simmons: [Standing on the edge of the roof] I thought I saw something for a second. [Tex is shown sneaking around the base]
Grif: (To Donut) Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe, until we can figure out what’s going on.
Donut: Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. [Drops the flag down a hole]
Simmons: (Quietly) Did you here that?
Grif: (Also Quietly) Yeah..
Donut: (Whispering) Hey, what’s going on?

[There’s a hissing sound as Tex throws a plasma grenade]

Grif: [Turns, following the path of the grenade, which lands on Donut.] What the fuck?
Donut: What?
Simmons: What is that thing?
Donut: What thing?
Grif: There’s something on your head.
Donut: What, is it a spider? Get it off!
Simmons: No, it’s not a spider. It’s like a blue thing…
Donut: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!
Grif: It’s not a spider! Now calm down! It’s some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing…
Donut: That doesn’t sound much better than a spider!
Simmons: Does it hurt?
Donut: No.
Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.
Grif: Good idea. Go for it.
Simmons: Me? By “we”, I mean you, asshole.
Donut: Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.
[The plasma grenade explodes]
Grif and Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!

[Sounds of Tex punching Grif and Simmons are heard]

Simmons: Ugh!
Grif: Where’d he go? Don’t kill me, I’m too good looking to die!