Red vs. Blue Episode #10

A shadow of his former self

Tucker: Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?
Caboose: Okay, that is the last of it, your armor is clean now.
Tucker: [turns to Caboose] Did you get all the black stuff off?
Vic: This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
Tucker: Hello! Command! We need help.
Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
Tucker: I don’t know what the technical military term is for it, but we’re pretty fucked up down here. We need men.
Vic: Dude, how long have you guys been down there?
Tucker: [quickly] No no no no, not like that. We need more men to help us.
Vic: Roger that, did you get the tank we sent?
Tucker: Yeah, that got blown up too.
Vic: Wow, sucks to be you.
Tucker: Yeah, we know.
Vic: Okay, here’s what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-
Tucker: Sixteen days!? That’s almost two weeks!
Vic: Or, I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.
Caboose: I like the in an hour one.
Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we’d prefer the quicker solution.
Vic: Ten-four Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and send him there post haste. Command out.
Tucker: Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.
Caboose: What’s a freelancer?
Tucker: Freelancers are independent. They’re not red or blue. They’re just guns for hire who fight for whoever has the most money.
Caboose: Like a mercenary!
Tucker: Right! Or like your mom, when the rent’s due.
Caboose: [pause] Oh, that’s funny!
Tucker: Y-Yeah? You didn’t think that was too obvious?
Caboose: No, no, not at all, that was good.
Church: [disembodied, ghostly] Tucker! Tucker!
[Ghost of Church appears]
Tucker: Who the hell are you?
Church: I am the ghost of Church! I’ve come back with a warning!
Caboose: You’re not Church! Church is blue! You’re white!
Church: [normally] Rookie, shut up man! I’m a freakin’ ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
Caboose: Yeah, that’s definitely him.
Church: Now I’ve got to start over again. [clears throat, reverts to ghostly voice] Tucker! Tucker! I’ve come back with a warning!
Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?
Caboose: Yeah, it’s kind of annoying.
Church: [Normally] Fine. OK, here’s the deal. I’ve come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don’t let…
Caboose: [Interrupting] What’s the warning?
Church: Shut up for one second and I’ll tell you!
Caboose: Oh, sorry.
Church: Seriously, man, I’m coming back from the Great Beyond here, you think this is easy? It’s not, it’s not like I can, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it. It takes a lot of concentration.
Caboose: Sorry.
Church: I mean, it’s bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can’t get a word in edgewise, man. [sighs] OK, here’s the deal.
Caboose: Is this the warning?
Church: Alright that’s it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we’re done here, I’m gonna haunt you.
Tucker: Yeah, you’re even starting to bug me.
Church: OK, Tucker, you remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me to Blood Gulch?
Tucker: No.
Caboose: Sidewinder? Isn’t that the ice planet?
Church: Yes.
Caboose: Cool! What was that like?
Church: Um… it was cold.
Caboose: That’s it? Just cold?
Church: What do you want from me? A poem? It’s a planet made entirely out of ice. It’s really, fucking, cold.
Tucker: Would you just let him talk?

[Flashback to Sidewinder]

Church: Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him.
Tucker: Do you think I was a good kid, Church?
Church: Tucker, don’t get jealous man, just listen to the story, OK? Like I said, the guys were just hangin’ round, lookin’ for some action, bitchin’ about the cold.
Blue soldier: Man, it’s fuckin’ cold!
Church: Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.
Jimmy: Yep, as soon as I get back I’m going to get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.
Church: And that’s when Tex showed up.
[Tex appears on a cliff.]
Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when he all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder.
[Tex shoots Mickey]
Mickey: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
[Tex shoots the rest of the soldiers]
Church: The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy’s skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

[Cut to Tucker at Blood Gulch]:Tucker: Wait a second… how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn’t seem physically possible.
Church: That’s exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

[Cut back to Tex at Sidewinder, beating Jimmy to death with his own skull]
Jimmy: This doesn’t seem physically possible! [Dies]

[Cut back to Church at Blood Gulch]
Church: Bottom line is, these freelancers, they’re bad news. Tex is one of the worst.
Caboose: If he’s such a bad ass, why didn’t he kill you?
Church: Hey, I don’t know why I’m not dead. He could have killed me at any point. But maybe it’s because Tex and I had run into each other once before.
Tucker: Where?
Church: You, er, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let’s just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I’m fading fast and I don’t know when I’ll be back. Just listen to my warning: Don’t let Tex get involved here.
Tucker: OK.
Church: I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing.
[Church fades away]
Tucker: So, Tex and Church were after the same girl.
Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.