Red vs. Blue Episode #1

Why are here?

Simmons: Hey.
Grif: Yeah?
Simmons: You ever wonder why we’re here?
Grif: It’s one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean…are we the product of…some, some cosmic coincidence or…is there really a God, watching everything; y’know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know man, but it keeps me up at night.
[Simmons stares at him]
Simmons: …
Grif: …
Simmons: …What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?
Grif: Oh, uh…yeah…
Simmons: What was that stuff about God?
Grif: Uh…Hm? Nothing…
Simmons: …You wanna talk about it?
Grif: No…
Simmons: You sure?
Grif: Yeah…
Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it’s just a boxed canyon in the middle of nowhere. With no way in or out.
Grif: Mm-hmm.
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Grif: Yeah, that’s because we’re fighting each other.
Simmons: No no, but I mean even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a boxed canyon. Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.
Grif: What’s up with that anyway? Mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

[Meanwhile, from a far-off cliff, Tucker and Church of the Blue Team are spying on the Red Team. Church is spying through a sniper rifle]

Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: …What?!
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God…damn! I’ve been so sick of answering that question–
Tucker: You have a fucking rifle; I can’t see shit! Don’t bitch at me because I’m not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day–
Church: Okay, look: They’re just standing there and talking, okay? That’s all they’re doing–that’s all they ever do– is just stand there and talk. That’s what they were doing last week, that’s what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me “what are they doing?”, my answer’s gonna be “they’re still just talking, and they’re still just standing there!”.
Tucker: … What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

[Back at Red Base]

Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. Y’know, fight them?
Simmons: Yeah no shit, that’s why they should put us in charge.
Sarge: Ladies! Front and center, on the double!
Simmons: Fuck…
Grif: Yes sir!